Granny Bond

The alarm buzzed right on 5:45, Granny Bond brushed the thick flowered blankets off, creaking as she sat up and fished around the floor for her slippers. She slid in her teeth, popped on her four inch spectacles and pottered into the bathroom. She swung a thick pink dressing gown over her hunch before she opened her Tuesday morning pill box and dry swallowed. Breakfast was a feast of kippers and smoked mackerel on a slice of wholemeal toast; perfect for a healthy brain and a good source of fibre. Well that’s what she told the grandkids, really she was just losing her taste buds.

She sat in the glow of the early morning sun, flicking through the Daily Mail and sipping on an Earl Grey mixed with Gordon gin her morning routine perfected. Soon she would head into the garden to water the petunias.

At exactly 11:20pm a screen popped out of the wall. The face of H staring directly at her.

“Hello Granny Bond.”

“Hello H, you’re looking thin darling, are you eating enough?”

“No need to worry Granny, I’m being well looked after. However we do have an urgent mission. Lord Chaumant has resurfaced.”

“Oh thats not good at all, any idea what he’s up too?”

“He’s attempting to steal Brangelina’s kids photos.”

“Oh how terrible, we must put a stop to that.” Granny tutted.

“I’ll see you in 20 Granny.” The screen folded away, Granny took her last sip of hard tea and shuffled towards the closet; muttering about her soon to be unfulfilled gardening plans.

Granny arrived at the Mi5 head quarters after figuring out how to use uber, her prized zimmer waiting at reception. She clutched the zimmer and headed over to the changing room. With the curtain covering her a nude latex body suit dropped down on a hanger. She rubbed a small amount of vaseline on her hips before she slid into the body suit, pushing down her extra layering until it was all well placed and hidden within the suit. She fought the zip until it finally gave way and zipped up, her ‘covert’ disguise dropped down consisting of a rose petalled blouse and a long pleated skirt. Once dressed Granny hobbled towards H’s office.

Photos lay across the table, H and E stood arched over them.
“Welcome Granny, I trust you’re ready for the day.”

“Quite my dear, nothing can stop this old bird.”

“Well Chaumant is quite the challenge, we have information that today at the Hello magazine unveil the £15,000,000 photos will be released and stolen. It is your mission, if you choose to accept it, to stop him at all costs.”

“Of course I accept dear, Chaumant shan’t see it coming.”

“I trust not. E do you have anything for Granny?”

“Of course, Granny your zimmer has been fitted with 9mm machine guns in the frame. Here are some spectacles with infra red, night vision and heat seeking technology. This broach, it can act as a drone, with a full 4k camera. The feed will be inbuilt into your glasses. Finally your teeth Granny, chuck your old choppers out and pop in these pearly whites. If you throw these at someone they will latch on and become extremely heavy stopping them in their tracks.”

“Oh fancy, and to think I can’t even access internet explorer properly.” Granny chortled as she popped the teeth in.

“Finally Granny, your vehicle of choice. A brand new custom Harley Davidson is waiting outside, fully equipped with a flame thrower exhaust, a rocket launcher and adjustable lumbar support for your back and of course a space to store your zimmer.”

Granny eyes lit up. “Are the leathers with it?” She inquired seriously.

“Of course Granny” E smiled.

Granny Bond sat astride the Harley, roaring and bellowing through the streets of London. The Hello reveal was located at the Tate Modern, Granny stopped at the traffic light in Southbank, the 1500cc engine growling. Her leathers and the big anarchy symbol on her beanie style helmet gave her the perfect disguise. Eventually arriving at the Tate she parked right outside the building, leaving her Mi5 parking permit nicely hanging on the handle.

Granny unloaded her zimmer and made her way to the Hello reveal bumbling slowly into the crowds. Young men and women swarmed nattering over frivolous issues; swiftly engulfing Granny in a wave of people. Granny blended in perfectly. She unpinned the broach and lifted it into the air, the drone immediately scanning the crowd for Chaumant. The feed running through her glasses pulling out faces from the crowd. The lenses began flashing red, Chaumant’s angular cheek bones shining clearly on the feed; his cunning eyes fixed on the photos. Granny spotted him atop the balcony and started pacing it one zimmer’d step in front of the other, the latex rubbing her wrinkled roles. She climbed the stairs with standard pensioner speed and difficulty.

She eventually reached the end of the stairs panting and complaining at the lack of an elevator. Granny edged towards Chaumant, becoming unsure of her disguise; they had met before. The smash of glass sparkled on the ground, the gallery plunged into complete darkness. Granny, flicked the night vision setting on her glasses; the screams and chatter of nervous people unable to break her concentration. Chaumant was abseiling down, almost on top of the photos. Granny took her teeth out and flung them at him; a strong throw for a woman of 83. Chaumant turned just in time to duck under the choppers. Granny took her hands off the zimmer and propelled herself over the balcony. Landing elegantly right in the path of the escaping Chaumant.
“Ello again Granny.” He said icily. His french accent immediately annoying Granny.

“Hello dear.” Granny responded curtly.

They stared at each other green shimmers of the night vision.

“Your move.” Chaumant chided.


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